Nathan Corwin, B.A., H.R.E.O.

[FDAXHunter]

Two minutes later the phone rang again, indicating a call from Reception.

Nathan answered the call wondering for a moment who could be visiting, but then he remembered.

"Yes. Hello?"

"Mr. Corwin, this is Emily from reception. There's a Mr. Vayner… excuse me… Sir! Sir! Sir, you can't go through there! You need a pass! Sir!"

Apparently Emily was shouting at someone in the lobby.

"Hold on a moment Mr. Corwin…. Sir! You need a pass to go through!"

Nathan heard more voices, though they were indistinct but it sounded like a scuffle of some kind had broken out in the lobby.

After about a minute of this, during which Nathan listened bemused to what was unmistakably some kind of shouting match, Emily, slightly out of breath, returned her attention to Nathan.

"I'm sorry about that Mr. Corwin. There was a small problem down here."

"Oh… are you OK?"

"Yeah, I'm fine now. As I said, there's a Mr. Aleksey Vayner down here. Apparently he had a 5:30 appointment with you?"

"Right… That’s correct. He's here for an interview. Send him up please."

"Okay. I will have someone [i]escort[/i] him up."

"Thanks Emily."

"You’re welcome Sir."



Nathan turned to his assistant:

"This is the guy that Phil Zimmer from UBS recommended to me? Remember? Phil was really excited about this guy but apparently their HR was blocking him for political reasons. So he thought we might have use for him."



Phil Zimmer was Global Head of F/X at UBS and used to work with Nathan for several years before moving on to new pastures. Phil was one of the few traders that Nathan Corwin both liked and respected. In fact he was one of six that could make that claim.



Heavy footfalls could be heard from the other side of the monitor wall. A group was approaching. Curious, Nathan turned his chair in anticipation of who this might be.

Two large security guards from downstairs popped around the corner.

Between them they had a Caucasian male, approximately 30 years old, in what looked like a suit from K-Mart and a shirt from Office Depot. At least that’s what he thought what a shirt from Office Depot would look like if they produced any.

The man looked disheveled. His shirt was hanging out on one side, his glasses were slightly askew on his nose and he had a visitor badge pinned on his jacket in such a way that it ruffled the entire left side. It would appear that he had just been in an impromptu wrestling match.



The printed badge said "Mr. Vayner" but someone had furiously crossed out the "Mr." part and scribbled "Dr." beneath it with a ball-point pen.

Nathan just looked at the trio incredulously, daring them to say something.

The bigger of the two security guards spoke first:

"This is you visitor, Mr. Corwin. Would you like us to stick around?"

He raised his eyebrows and rose from his chair.

"No. No that’s quite alright… but thank you for um… bringing Mr…. Dr…. Vayner up here. I’m sure we’ll be fine."

The other gorilla shrugged: "Your choice." and the pair of them set off towards the elevators.



"Um… righto. Here we are. My name is Nathan Corwin, this his here is my sidekick and you come highly recommended from Phil Zimmer over at UBS. I'm sorry, I didn't catch your full name?"

The strange visitor adjusted the frame of his glasses and sniffed with a slightly indignant tone featuring a distinctly Eastern European accent:

"Aleksey. Aleksey Vayner. But my friends call me Mufu."

Nathan wondered if he had heard right: "I'm sorry. They call you what?"

"Mufu. It’s an honorary title bestowed by the Shaolin monks for someone of great distinction in the Shaolin School of Kung-Fu."

Nathan scratched his chin. "I see…. Well here, have a seat. Would you like some coffee?"

He shooed his junior trader out of his chair and instructed him to get some coffee for his guest. However, he was interrupted by Aleksey:

"Thank you, but no coffee for me. I only drink coffee from bushes that I’ve raised myself."

Nathan glanced at his assistant, who shrugged and turned away to fetch himself a replacement chair, now that his was occupied.

"Coffee bushes? I thought coffee grows on trees?"

"Yes, that’s what normally happens. I however, have managed, through years of experimentation, to cross a coffee tree with an eggplant. And now it's a coffee bush. I’d send you some samples, it’s delicious. Unfortunately I just gave the last of my stock to Hank Paulson, so you'll have to wait until next year."

And again Nathan’s eyebrows shot up, betraying genuine surprise.

"Wait… you know Hank Paulson? The Treasury Secretary?"

"Yes. The same."

"How do you know him? Did you work at GS?"

"No, I used to give him tennis lessons 3 times a week."

"Ah… I see. Very interesting."

"Yes, thank you. I used to compete on a professional level. I almost got to play at Wimbledon two years ago but the US coach had an issue with me so they dropped me from the roster."

Nathan nodded.

"So tell me Aleksey. Where are you from? You’re not from around here, are you?"

"Well, let me tell you, I’ve grown up all over the world. Uzbekistan, Tibet, Germany, US, Japan, Costa Rica, Ghana, Swaziland, Australia. Oh.. and Afghanistan as well."

"Wow… so your parents where diplomats?"

"No. My father was in the German Mafia and had abandoned me as a baby. Fortunately some Tibetan monks found me and trained me in the ancient arts of the Shaolin. I got so good, basically number 2 in the world, that I was chosen to be the Dalai Lama’s personal bodyguard."

"Dalai Lama eh? Tell me something though: Aren't the Shaolin monks in China, rather than Tibet?"

"That's what most people think. But there is a secret, underground order of Shaolin monks in Tibet. They only come out at night and are three times as dangerous as their Chinese counterparts."



Nathan simply looked blankly at the narrator of these stories, then turned around on his chair and waved a hand demonstratively over the plethora of screens in front of them.

"Well, let me explain a little about what we do here and then you can tell me some more about yourself. So here" he gestured to outline his little fiefdom in the corner "is where we do mostly equity cash and vol prop. We do see some of the chunkier flow the bank gets because we have the ability to disperse the risk better, unlike most other desks here which tend to be grouped by sector or market. However, the majority of profits come from prop activity."



He looked sideways at his visitor and found him playing with his visitor’s badge.

"But enough about this. Unfortunately I don't have a CV or anything from you, so you’ll have to tell me what you do."

"Well. I can do everything."

A pause.

"Right. You can do everything. Right. Okay, can you be a little bit more specific?"

"Yes, thank you. When I say I can do everything, I mean this: Impossible is Nothing."

"Right. Okay, I think we’ve all heard the Adidas™ slogan."

A short pause but as his visitor seem to have no reply to this, he decided to inquire about his background.

"Let's start with this: You got your PhD from where?"

"Yale."

"In what?"

"Eastern European History and Biology."

"You got two PhDs?" inquired Nathan

"That is correct. I also have another PhD in statistics from Columbia and a have obtained a Masters in Far Eastern massages, I am the CEO of a charity and own an investment management firm.

Additionally, I’m an expert in personal development. One of the many things I have achieved is a near world-champion status in Rumba dancing. I can also use Microsoft Office and -"

"Stop!" Nathan interrupted the clearly rehearsed, self-aggrandizing speech, although it would have been interesting to see what else would come up. Interesting in a morbid kind of way.

"Just Stop. I'm not interested that. If I get this right, you really managed to impress my friend Phil, who recommended you, so tell me about your financial experience? What’s your background? Derivatives, I presume? What’s your track record?"

"Yes. I've got financial experience."

"Well… what is it? What’s your primary market? What's your strategy?"

"Never lose money."

"What?"

"Never lose money."

Nathan's blood pressure started to go. Clearly this guy was a muppet that had somehow slipped through all checks and balances at UBS. He couldn't see Phil being excited about someone like this. Phil Zimmer was very down to earth and, like Nathan, had a bullshit tolerance that was measured in picograms.

"Okay, look here. I’m going to make this really simple for you: Do I have long hair?"

Aleksey Vayner looked genuinely confused by the question.

"I'm sorry. Long hair?"

"Yeah, long hair. Do you think I have long hair?"

"Um… no. Your hair is quite short."

"Right. Now: do you see me wearing a skirt?"

"Um… now, those are pants. Armani, I think."

Nathan leaned closer to Aleksey and said in a no-nonsense tone of voice:

"Yes, they are pants. So tell me Aleksey: Do you think I look like a bitch?"

"What?"

 "Do I look like a phucking bitch to you?"

"Um… no, you don't."



"Well that's very comforting. Now that we have established that I'm not a bitch, perhaps you can stop treating me like one and tell me, in 5 words or less, what you can do that's of any relevance whatsoever to this institution before I call security and have your asexual-looking ass thrown off the very top of this building!"



[b]Note:[/b] [i]All the characters in this installment are totally fictitious and any resemblance to anyone or anything (douchebags or dildos for example) that happen to have the same name (whether they changed it or not) is purely coincidental.
[/i]

[Martingale]

Cool

[Jaxx]

another fantastic episode FDAX!



Applause

[pj]

Applause



But how did Aleksey manage to get the Phil Zimmer's recommendation?

[IAmEric]

Here here! Applause

[chiral3]

""Thank you, but no coffee for me. I only drink coffee from bushes that I’ve raised myself."



ROFL!!!!!!!

[alfred]

Applause

[YukaRedux]

wonderful! Applause

[RFMontraz]

ROFL!! Applause

[DerFund]

A Masterpiece